


a fucked up kind of love

by impossibleyear



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Trauma, Very vague smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 18:59:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impossibleyear/pseuds/impossibleyear
Summary: adam believes him, because lawrence keeps his promises, because lawrence came back for him, because lawrence will always come back for him.





	a fucked up kind of love

**Author's Note:**

> please be careful, there's graphic descriptions of self harm in here. anyway i rewatched saw again and it made me feel things. bye

adam wonders, sometimes (all the time), what would have happened to him if lawrence hadn’t come back for him. he likes to believe that the police would have come, that he would have gotten out of there, that jigsaw wouldn’t have closed the door on his tomb. but he knows as well as anyone that this is bullshit.

he would have died.

usually that’s enough to send him into another panic attack, wherever he is. probably at home, because he doesn’t go out much anymore. it’s not being outside. it’s coming home and dreading opening the door, wondering if the power will be out. lawrence has come home to him sitting outside the door more than once, too paralyzed with fear to go inside. and then lawrence is there, and together they can do it.

that’s the thing about lawrence; he gives adam strength. he was there with him the whole time, right there beside him while he screamed and electricity coursed through his nerves and he rubbed his ankle raw from the heavy cold chain locked around it. and he promised he would come back, and he did. he’s still here now, holding him through panic attacks. adam trusts lawrence implicitly, more than he’s trusted anyone. and maybe he loves him. after all, you can’t survive that with someone and not love them a little (a lot).

that one time, it wasn’t the first time adam picked up a razor blade. it’s been off and on since he was a teenager. because he hates his fucking life, because he lives in a shitty apartment making money off invading people’s privacy, because he can’t seem to hold a relationship, because he can’t get over the overwhelming panic every time he sees a camera flash or closes the bathroom door. so he cuts thin red parallel lines all the way from his wrists to his elbows. but that time, the first time after the bathroom, lawrence found him after and didn’t say a word, but he cleaned up the blood and applied neosporin and bandages with the precision left over from when he was a doctor. adam cried after, and lawrence promised him, _i will always be here for you, adam,_ and adam believes him, because lawrence keeps his promises, because lawrence came back for him, because lawrence will always come back for him. and he hasn’t stopped cutting entirely, but lawrence hasn’t stopped being there.

so he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. so lawrence holds him tight until his sobs turn into shuddering breaths. so adam kisses him and it tastes like salt, and lawrence wipes his tears and rubs a hand through adam’s hair and says _we’ll talk about it in the morning_. adam can’t sleep that night cause he’s so worried he fucked it up, but morning comes and lawrence looks at him with that same love that adam feels. and kisses him. and adam rolls on top of him and ends up riding him with the pale morning sunlight cutting a stripe across his neck down his shoulder. and he thinks as he does it, that this is a fucked up kind of love, born of necessity, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. maybe they can find a way through this together.


End file.
